The whole world gets divided in two every once in a while. Well, not all at the same time, but arguing is so common that many consider it part of being human. Inherent or not, relationships are complex and arguments inevitable. Today you will learn how to turn arguments into affection and improve your relationship.
Before you jump to any conclusions keep in mind that I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. Disagreements are a natural part of life. And even if that wasn’t a problem human communication is not very efficient or effective.
Anyways that’s not the point I’m trying to make here. Arguments are not bad by themselves, in the end they help us reach an understanding, well, sometimes. The real problem comes when, even though we went through an exhaustive fight/argument, still things don’t feel fixed. We feel there’s something off or that we didn’t achieve anything.
Just a note: I will speak from my perspective, as if working things out with a female SO, but this applies both for men and women.
Here’s how to close those arguments for good while at the same time you wipe off those weird feelings of uneasiness or discomfort after having a fight. Because in order for relationships to work, solutions must be mutually centered on the other. Each must make the other feel the problem is behind by:
1- Listening: Start off by summarizing every concern she had during the argument.
For example, you can say: “Ok, I want to understand you and solve this, so let’s wrap it up. You feel this emotion because of this situation and you felt this because of that. Am I right?” This makes it clear you were present and listening and understand her concerns. Try to use the words and phrases used by your SO and this will be a clear indication that you seek her wellbeing. Never devaluate what the other feels. And if she says the situation is different listen again and wrap it up until you get it right.
2 – Understanding: Next, you need to make the other feel you care, which you will accomplish by showing you understand her feelings.
After you have wrapped up the way she feels you can ask her: “Then you want this to happen in order to feel good, right”? Pointing to a solution that both feel is fit for the situation.As long as this solution doesn’t conflict with your wants and needs go ahead and reach an agreement. She will feel you understand and will help her ease the negative feelings.
3 – Reassure her with affection. Tell her everything is going to be fine and that since you both agree everything is solved now and she’s got nothing to worry about.
This is like the closing part. What happens often is that after an argument both may feel that reconciliation is weird or awkward because you were just fighting a moment ago. Overcome this by showing physical affection. This barrier is mostly pride, so don’t hold back and show some love with a smile on your face.
In a sense it should also be a celebration, because you just solved a problem together, like a team. Speaking of which…
To make a relationship work both must feel the problem is over. Any relation that centers only on one part is definitely a relationship destined to failure. Now it’s time for her to do the same for you. Voice your concerns and ask to reach the same success in regards to your feelings.
You matter as much as her. She matters as much as you do.
Not because it’s egotistical, but because both must have the same importance, and of course, both have the right to feel happy and loved. Free from any emotional conflict.
Now, if you have a hard time figuring out exactly what you have
Never try to apply a solution prematurely as it will undermine your relationship. Use these steps only after both have spoken and are ready to solve the problem and move forward.
Most relationships are repairable as long as both agree to make amends and fight for love. But above all: to change as much as necessary to prevent one’s own flaws to damage the other.
Do you think all relationships can have a future? Do you think yours can be? Drop me a line, send it to George[AT]GeorgeAlonso[DOT]com or leave a comment below.
This article is an excerpt taken from George Alonso’s upcoming book:
Marriage Rescue Kit: The complete guide to save your relationship. (Even “unsolvable” problems)
If you would like to get it for free upon release subscribe below.
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