Have you ever wondered why is it that society (us included) tends to avoid loneliness as much as possible? Why is it that most of us feel discomfort when lonely? How to deal with it if you currently face it? Can you use loneliness to your advantage? Can being lonely be good?
Well, first I will point to the basics because I believe it is extremely important to understand. We feel uncomfortable in loneliness because the lack of external stimuli (other people, situations and events) will eventually bring about to our awareness our deepest feelings, expressed through Mental Dialogue.
And it’s not that the Mental Dialogue is not present at all moments, it’s just that we don’t always listen to it. And most importantly, it is the dialogue itself what we often dislike.
But could it be that loneliness is inherently painful then? This is exactly what I asked myself years back, when I was a kid, because I faced a lot of it. And I think it’s something we’ve all wondered.
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So I delved into my being and with some effort I found the truth about it. Loneliness is not really bad at all, in fact it is mostly a good thing. And I will show you how you can use loneliness to your advantage.
First let’s give it a thought. Let’s take a look at what exactly happens during the time we spend alone and the reason why we start feeling discomfort.
By the way, I am using the word discomfort to address a wide range of emotions, like fear, anxiety, pain, sadness, melancholy, stress, guilt and regret among many others. All of them on the negative side, anyways, I will not list all of them I will just use the word discomfort even if the feelings become painful or even unbearable.
So what we can observe, and you can see it happening yourself, is that thoughts start racing across our minds and suddenly we experience a negative Mental Dialogue. These ideas spark emotions and these in turn become a big pile of something we don’t really want to have.
The negative emotions just get stronger and the ideas that carry all the conflicts of our life or trauma form an Emotional Buildup, which is exactly what makes us feel uncomfortable to say the least.
From this brief analysis we can see that in fact loneliness is not bad in itself, it is just bringing to our attention the things that have the potential to harm us. So, I had an idea back then… I told myself:
George, this is a breakthrough, just start seeing loneliness as a way of your Inner Being telling you there is something you gotta work on.
And at the time it made all the sense because I had spent months (yes, I had to face trauma at a really young age) trying to figure out a way to make my problems “disappear”. Only to find out the truth that that’s not the way problems go away, so I could never be emotionally ok if I just pretended my problems would disappear by themselves.
I concluded that this discomfort was good after all because it was telling me what areas I had to work with in order to stop being a limited version of myself and start being the whole me, the true me. And I don’t mean useless frustrating or sad stuff, but concrete, to-the-point stuff that otherwise wouldn’t have surfaced, unless I faced it and allowed it in some way (in this case being alone)
I realized that while it was not comfortable to confront my problems in loneliness it was definitely better to do that than to allow my problems to outgrow myself while I decided to ignore them (or run away from them).
So, how can you use loneliness to your advantage? Well, first realize that there is nothing to fear, other than a life ruined by untreated emotions and unsolved conflicts. Realize too that there is nothing that can harm you while you go through your introspections, the more you know about yourself the better.
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Whenever you feel there is something that makes you “uncomfortable” don’t see it as a threat, instead confront it peacefully, like a pending task. Say to yourself: “Oh, right, I still need to answer this question.” For example.
Recognize your inner voice and your Mental Dialogue and start working on your issues, you have full power to solve them. Your Mental Dialogue will tell you clear and concrete thoughts, things that are easily put into words. Even your “level” of loneliness like it was shown in this UCLA study (Page 2, by the bottom you will find a list of 20 descriptions of loneliness).
Listen to your Mental Dialogue, recognize everything you need to tell yourself about your feelings. Keep in mind that those thoughts will not be limited to loneliness but can extend to issues in all areas of your life.
Remember the discomfort we feel when we face loneliness is telling us something. Sometimes we don’t like it at all, but hey, who said growth is comfortable? (It is all about stepping out of the comfort zone, not staying inside)
See it as a healthy exercise that will grow your willpower and mental and emotional strength. Like training a muscle, you will become better with practice.
And recognize things just as they are, loneliness is nothing more than you, listening to your inner being speaking louder. That’s all, there is nothing to fear, but just some things to work on. Want to have complete peace of mind and clarity of thought? Take a look at my courses on anxiety and depression.
If you believe this will be helpful to others or if it helps you don’t forget to share and like. And hey, drop me a comment below and let me know what you think about this. Thanks for reading!
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